Don’t blink.
The common sentiment shared amongst parents. Followed by it all goes by so fast. I got a glimpse of that as I set up the “truck” themed party for my two year old baby boy. The boy who is less and less baby. The boy I recall just celebrating his first trip around the sun, and yet here we are again. I blinked, and he has seemingly grown overnight.
TWO.
Two years ago I became a mama. Two years ago my dream came true and slammed up against the reality of “life never looking the same”. Parenting is a never ending list of cliches - that we laugh and mock - because deep down we have experienced them to be true. We hold the tension of what was, and yet could never imagine life without what is now. We rise to the occasion, and better savor the mundane, simple moments - that don’t last long, and we won’t get back.
I am not the same person I was two years ago. I fought like hell to protect her. To bubble wrap her dreams and aspirations, independence…desire to make a change. My inability to control anything…nearly crushed me. Yet, when I took the time to look down. Down at the boy nuzzled on my chest. When I remembered his name, and the reason his father and I chose it - it began to evade every defense mechanism. Every attempt to “do” more or earn more. Until all that was left was love.
They say if a mother has a baby boy first, she needs to know the real meaning of love. As someone who teaches on this topic often, it has been humbling to learn and experience this simple yet profound concept more deeply. To move beyond what I know to be true, and to have lived experience that affirms it. I have watched my husband be patient and kind as I wrestled with our new reality. I have seen Jed remind us in his own way that he loves us even when we don’t get it right. Kids have a beautiful way of reflecting the grace and love of our Father - they move beyond the fault for the sake of the relationship. They just want their mama or daddy - and if we are really honest - it’s what we want too. To know that the relationship above all else is worth pursuing, fighting for, and safe to rest in.
THIRTY-FIVE.
I have been thinking a lot about time lately. The hours that make up a day, the days that turn into weeks, weeks…months. It may be partially because I am 30 weeks pregnant, or my own birthday, and now Jed…time is not stopping, and not only that it appears to be moving rapidly. When I was young, I wanted to be older - for time to go faster…and now that I am older some days I just want time to be still.
I want to savor, permanently imprint moments in my brain, and for my heart to feel. Things I have run from in the past because the realness of each moment felt uncomfortable, or worse I had lived it through my phone - not truly seeing things the way they are - the way God intended.
35 feels like a turning point. I am halfway through another decade, and from this point forward closer to 40. For much of my career I have been “young”. People have been impressed by what I have accomplished and chosen to do with my life…but all in comparison to my age. Now it feels like there is a new expectation. It may be self-inflicted, but nevertheless present. I find myself asking “can I still do good?”, yet beneath that is really the question of “will I be good?”. The only one who can really answer that is myself. I can rest in my belovedness, or I can continue to strive to impress others, or prove to others that I am valuable, have worth. Work is good. Doing can be good, but it was never meant to be the determining factor for our being. As I enter into this next season (era) I want to focus on these three things:
Trust that slowing down is good too. I don’t have anything to prove, but I do have moments I will miss out on if I am most worried about being productive or successful.
Take a chance. Most of my decisions are well thought out. I seek lots of counsel, pray, and play out possible outcomes - sometimes (most often) this keeps me from having fun. Spontaneity is something I at least want to flirt with.
Be curious about life. Not cynical or naive - but curious. I want to continue to get better at asking questions, and be patient in listening to people’s responses. To know, as I allow myself to be known.
Whatever age or stage of life you find yourself in - I hope you know it is OK to give yourself permission to dream, re-evaluate priorities, try new things, slow down…have fun! Life is about the people we have been given the opportunity to connect with, the time and space we share. Don’t forget about what you once asked for. Do you treasure those gifts…like you once did?
We are going to blink. Time is going to continue to fade too quickly before our eyes. Yet, we don’t have to fear it, or even dread it. We can choose to love, and be loved. Love keeps us present. Love empowers us to enjoy each season for what it is. Love keeps us rooted in who He created us to be. The Beloved.
Jedidiah Michael Hotchkiss, two years ago you became the living and breathing example of our belovedness. Thank you.
Kommentare