12.

12. 

Once upon a time a number that defined the number of hours in a day I spent working. Not proud of that. I didn’t always recognize it. The lines blurred between what felt like work, and what was simply relationships that demanded time, energy and effort.

I was young, new in my role, and just trying to make a difference. What I didn’t realize was the internal toll it was taking. Capacity and pace breeding the perfect storm for me to burn out.

I heard words like boundaries, sustainable rhythms and rest…and was mostly annoyed. I often wondered who had actually figured any of those things out, and arrogantly, who hung in the balance if they were implemented. For too long my viewpoint was that I was doing the right thing, because I cared most about humans. The irony is my behavior didn’t take into account my own humanity. 

Now I have three other humans impacted directly by my decisions. My husband, and our two children. I have had to slow down, and adjust in totally new ways. Sometimes kicking and screaming, and other times with welcome arms as I lean into the rest my weary soul needs. 

Anniversaries have always felt like a big deal for me. It’s not lost on me that people don’t always last long, and on the other side I’ve been left wondering if staying too long hinders the possibilities for the organization. Anniversaries have often been a huge question mark - how much longer will I be here? Am I still doing the right thing? The list goes on… I’ve come to grips with the reality that God gives grace for each day, and today He has placed my feet at Hope Street so that’s where I’ll faithfully show up until He says otherwise. One of the many gifts I’ve received this last year is embracing what it means to rest.

Some things that I have found beneficial to debunk about rest: 

1. I fought the idea of rest for so long because I felt this tremendous pressure to do nothing. Like in order to rest I had to be really still, quiet, not work…all things that feel incredibly daunting for me. I’ve learned “resting” is whatever restores your soul. It could be going for a walk, getting together with a friend, or taking a nap. The key is that it is a disruption to your normal routine. It’s the elimination of the pressure to perform. 

2. Time constraints. Too often we put so much pressure on what something ought to look like. Whether it be the hours, days, frequency, etc - determine for yourself what rest can look like, and if it’s helpful to schedule it - do it. If you want to go with the flow and be in tune with how you’re doing - do that. In this last season scheduling time to rest is most beneficial for me because life is full and demanding. 

3. Only some people need it. Wrong. We were all created by a God who demonstrated our great need for rest. Too often we think it’s reserved for people in certain professions, and yet scripture points to our desperate need to instill rhythms that incorporate rest. It’s an invitation to allow God to be God, and for us to recommit our need for more of Him. 

What has actually made it possible for me to continue to show up: rest.

Somewhere along the way the concepts I fought and ran from caught up to me, and lovingly presented themselves in ways I could actually metabolize. I’m not perfect, I still feel guilty when I take a day or a few hours here and there to do something that “fills my cup”, but I’m so grateful for the opportunity to continue to do what I love. Not because I’m awesome, and have figured out how to be more productive, but quite the opposite - I welcome Him into all things and let Him set the pace. I trust He can handle my slack, and trust He is the ultimate “prioritizer”. 

There are no more 12 hour days. Instead I have implemented a new rhythm for my team, there are 12 days out of each year set aside for intentional sabbath. Time meant to rest, be restored, and most of all  to remember we aren’t what our hands do. We are held in the most loving hands, and His love invites us to be still and know He is sovereign. To rest, is a holy surrender. It is a practice that puts things in the right perspective. 

It’s been 12 years. I am semi in denial that I’m old enough for that to be true, but nonetheless in a much healthier place. Work still doesn’t feel like “work”, I am excited to show up, invest in and be a part of something so much bigger than any one person. I am grateful for the years, the lessons learned along the way and the grace to still be in a place I deeply love. 

12 grace filled years at Hope Street.